3 Plex out

“We exist to appropriately enhance mission-critical intellectual capital in order that we may interactively empower premier e-business with 100% on-time delivery” said Blad.

This was English in the 4th millennium, sing songy nonsense that had become a sort of status symbol. People were intelligent but no longer reasoned using language. Words were considered too slow. Actual discourse occurred by aggregating a collection of digitized ideas into a single theme, then asking a receiver to accept a “meme” from a shared mindspace link. This was all possible thanks to the Segway. Everyone had a Segway. Having a Segway was the law. According to Google law when a citizen became 13 years old they must be interfaced to a Segway.

A Segway was a two-wheeled, self-balancing, fission powered trailer dolly designed to scoot citizens around in a manner that was fast and space efficient. The base of a Segway was a sleekly designed compact encasing for a thousand server farms; an all powerful Beowulf cluster of computing intelligence branded the Personal Googleplex. An antenna ran from the base up through the Segway’s control shaft broadcasting an encrypted WiFi signal to a single human brain. This one-to-one connection was “mindspace” and allowed access to all the features of contemporary adulthood. Segways in the future were actually Google Glass that got bigger. Hence their slogan: A Segway for your face.

On average, interfacing a 13 year old to a Segway took 27 minutes. The surgery involved gouging out the left eye and running the optic nerve through a kaleidoscope tube which acted as a high speed wireless hub. A user could then walk a ten meter radius around their Segway and still be connected. The surgery had a 99.9% success rate. This was incredibly great. With the world’s population ceiling at roughly 0.6 billion only a meagre, statistically insignificant, 600,000 children were at risk of euthanasia if the operation failed. Our land scarce planet was no place for primitive man.

“We want to efficiently facilitate competitive total linkage to set us apart from the competition” replied Jhiana.

Jhiana was a tall, big boned, middle aged woman with long blond hair, hoop earrings and pencilled in eyebrows. She wore soft-soled moccasins and black stockings. Her dress was a brightly coloured yellow, red, green and blue Marimekko styled print, in charge of call for tenders and contract award procedures for her  department.

Jhiana and Blad were in the difficult position of trying to negotiate conditions for their data exchange. Trust had to be established before accepting a shared mindspace link from one another because of “exposure.” This was a heinous act whereby a competitor could trick you into accepting corrupted memories of executions, murders and sexual abuse. According to Monsanto law this was a serious crime that caused permanent psychological damage.

Risk in mind, it was part of their jobs to formalize business agreements and scout for new, untaxed, ideas. Open discourse was their duty. “No goths, no glory” as they would probably say to each other, and did. “No goths, no glory” they agreed.

Business agreements must be conducted by virtue of existing contract law:

The law states that the Google government is responsible for interfacing a 13 year old to a Segway and that all 13 year olds must be interfaced to a Segway. In return for this service a tax is collected. A Segway user must make public domain 1% of their new ideas a year. The Google government then indexes, triages, and redistributes these new ideas to new 13 year old Segway users. This is done in the hopes of taxing increasingly sophisticated ideas. This policy has worked so far. A vast wealth of knowledge now comes digitized by default on a new Segway installation. Segway is Google’s patented intellectual property and is leased in perpetuity. A user must not disconnect from their Segway unless authorized. Unauthorized disconnection is considered a crime. Any Google government violation is handled by government police. People think Google enhanced thoughts.

The law states that Monsanto owns the copyrights on all food ingredients, that the Replicator is Monsanto’s patented intellectual property, and that all recipes are subject to royalties. The payment terms vary from recipe to recipe but, essentially, debts are bulk grouped into blocks of labour whereby a user may temporarily disconnect from their Segway to help with construction, manufacturing, infrastructure, utilities, daycare and sewers. Disconnection times are negotiated between Monsanto and Google. Any labour done outside of these terms is considered a crime. Any Monsanto company violation is handled by company police. People eat Monsanto enhanced foods.

Monsato’s modus operandi was to amass enough new ideas and labour contracts a year so that, come tax time, the government could not legally copy and redistribute food. Google on the other hand cared only about one thing: Disallowing other businesses from building and tampering with Segways for the good of all.

To complicate matters there was no functional distinction between government or company in New Toronto or anywhere else for that matter. No one voted for Google. No one quit Monsanto. Every interaction that led to a legally binding transaction between these two juggernauts was dubbed “competitive business.” Unauthorized business was illegal.

Startups, often branded criminal cartels, were routinely “bought out” by Google or Monsanto before they had a chance to compete. Buying out a competitor involved annexing their intellectual property and euthanising their employees. This had been going on for hundreds of years and was considered boring by now. Societal order and norms were well established and as far as Blad and Jhiana were concerned the world was locked in a happy, competitive, stalemate.

“We strive to synergistically communicate superior sources in order to solve business problems” cried Blad impatiently hand still hanging waiting for a hi-five.

“Omg the heat and the refs have really #turndup” she whispered right up in his face a bit too close spitting on him.

“Had this speak and say taken a turn from mission statements into historical Tweets with less than ten views?” thought Blad as he accessed his mindspace for an appropriate sound bite. He replied:

“Water me”

Jhiana slapped Blad’s outreached hand and beckoned him to follow her. Their booth was ready.


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Master Chef Replicator Wars by Trotch.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.